it was a heckuva visual. the first (okay, only) time that i saw a man breastfeed a baby.
don't worry, i'm not going anywhere; you can re-read that sentence if you need to.
i was at a talk (i love how this verb gets turned into an "event" when a PhD is leading the conversation) a few weeks ago about birth practices and other such wizardry, when a woman at the back stood to ask a question. i turned to see who spoke.
one row ahead, there he was - shirt wide open and chest exposed, tenderly cradling an infant. "skin-to-skin contact" i thought, "awwwww..." i added mentally. "funny," my brain said, "he's holding the baby as if he's nurs---" it is not often that even my mind is at a loss for words. he was nursing. a tiny feed tube ran along his chest, aligned with his nipple and disappeared, avec said nipple, into the slurping mouth of the babe. i thought several things in sequence:
1. oh. my. crap.
2. oops knee-jerk reaction. think rationally heather. rational.
3. but oh my crap!
4. simmer down. don't be a prude. how is this any different than a woman nursing?
5. ps: crap crappity crap crap?
6. a nipple is a nipple is a nipple right?
7. really? you nurse anyone else's baby li'l miss interchanganip?
8. he is clearly a very devoted father
9. does devoted parenthood usually cause you to stare with your mouth hanging open at a perfect stranger in a crowded room? do you even know what dr. odent is talking about now?
10. ah crap.
that startling image stayed with me well after the talk concluded. while i confess it left me with an unmistakable "no" feeling, i couldn't really justify it to myself. what if the man had lost his wife during childbirth; if he and his husband had adopted an infant - either way there was a very compelling argument to be made about the connectivity of gaining nourishment via skin-to-skin contact. given those circumstances should not a baby have access to that kind of tenderness? i suspect that two groups of infants, both raised on breast milk, but one fed by bottle and other by flesh, would show a difference - my instinct is that the breast fed babies would fair better. i have no data to back me up on that, but hey this is a blog - who needs data when you can have opinion?
nevertheless, i felt unnerved. what will that child say, 13 years from now, to reminiscences of chest feedings from daddy? is this father self-sacrificing, bearing the inevitable brunt of crap from people like me, in order to provide loving nourishment to his child because it's in Baby's best interest? or is he selfish, seeking attention at the expense of the child's future confusion? in related news "is heather in any position to draw any conclusion or to validate/invalidate this man's experience in the first place?" right. <ahem>
keeping my conclusions to myself, how would i respond if keith had asked to chest feed our children? if he expressed a deep longing to connect and provide in that way... what would i say? if my brother had taken up the practice, would i try to persuade him otherwise, or defend his choice to others in an effort to protect him from the crap that is out there (and by out there i mean in here)?
what about you? should breastfeeding be ladies first, or ladies only?
hwb
This reminds me of another debate, which I will summarize courtesy of a paper called 'What about the children? Arguments against lesbian and gay parenting.' (Clarke, 2001). From the abstract:
ReplyDelete"(1) "The bible tells me that lesbian and gay parenting is a sin"; (2) "Lesbian and gay parenting is unnatural"; (3) "Lesbian and gay parents are selfish because they ignore 'the best interests of the child'"; (4) "Children in lesbian and gay families lack appropriate role models"; (5) Children in lesbian and gay families grow up lesbian and gay; and (6) "Children in lesbian and gay families get bullied." I examine these themes in relation to other debates about lesbian and gay and women's rights, and highlight the ways in which they reinforce a heterosexual norm."
Is this an apt comparison?
i think it is. all of those same themes: "ew, unnatural, baby will be teased" certainly appear in this context. i "like" to think i'm not a slave to heteronormative conditioning, yet... there it is.
ReplyDeletepretty consistently when your first reaction is "crap!" much of what follows will be as well...
that said, it is one thing to hold a view within an academic framework, and another to live it, right? if you become a dad, would you consider breast-feeding now that it's obviously an option?
I am reticent to predict with too much certainty my emotional needs if I were to become a father, but from my current vantage point, I would not engage in this activity for my own benefit.
ReplyDeleteIf it were, for some reason, beneficial to my child to do this(*), then I would be open to the idea. Here are some quick scenarios, in order to clarify:
S.1 - Mother is able to breast feed, with no added benefit to child to have father breast feed as well = Won't do it.
S.2 - Mother is able to breast feed, added benefit to child to have father breast feed as well = Would consider it (probably a topic of discussion with child's mother).
S.3 - Mother is unable to breast feed, benefit to be regained by having father breast feed = I would very likely do it.
(*) If perhaps there were positive immune system effects, for example.
I would be curious to know the reasons for why this man was "breast" feeding that baby.
ReplyDeletecheck out this blog - the embedded video is a mini documentary about male lactation. kinda mindblowing eh wot! (tho the bathtub interviews with that lactation consultant don't really enhance credibility...)
ReplyDeletecheck'er out!
http://www.thethinkingblog.com/2007/08/fact-men-can-breastfeed.html